The Truth Behind Loneliness

Do you know what loneliness is? Can you grasp its depths? Do you understand that it's not just a word? It's not just a feeling. It's a wound. It's a knife. It digs into your flesh till you're numb. The first time it stabs you, you cry; you scream in pain. The next time it stabs you, you can barely breathe. It takes everything in you to not pass out. But the next time loneliness comes with her knife, you don't even feel it. It cuts through that first layer of skin as if it was cutting into rotten fruit. The second layer isn't even noticed by loneliness. She wants to cause as much damage as she can. She goes deeper and deeper, stronger and stronger, again and again and again and again until you finally can't feel her anymore. The stabs mean nothing. You place a band aid over a gaping wound. It's like putting duct tape over a crack in a dam. It only holds it back for so long. You pretend you're fine. You pretend it doesn't bother you. You smile politely. You have to. Heaven forbid you let them see you hurt. Heaven forbid that band aid come off. Heaven forbid they see your heart for what it really is. You see, because that knife? That knife has found its way to your heart. That knife has found the core of who. you. are. And that knife-that feeling of loneliness-is planning on staying. She's made a nice home inside your soul. "But you're better than this" you tell yourself. "You're better than to be run by this feeling; this emotion; this nonexistent hurt." "You're better than this" becomes your mantra. It becomes your banner. It becomes the peg you hang your life on. Because you are better than this. You have to be. You should be. It is your duty to be. "And really why should you be lonely? Why should you feel hurt? You have so many people around you!" Loneliness mocks you. She laughs as you bleed out, all the while hoping no one will notice. Finally you have enough and so you rip the band aid off thinking it might be best to just let it bleed. Let it heal itself. Things have to get better. That's when you cry. That's when you scream. It feels just like the first time loneliness came. The pain didn't change. It hurt just as much as it did before only this time the wound was deeper. The wound was bigger. 

But what happens when you meet the Healer? What happens when, in the midst of your loneliness, you meet the One who can bind your wounds and heal your broken heart? What happens when you scream and He is the only one who hears you? Because when you meet Jesus Christ face to face, He heals you; He makes you whole. He sees the pain. He sees the loss. He sees how deep that wound actually goes. Because He knows. You see, in John chapter 19, Jesus Christ experiences the deepest form of loneliness. For once in His time on earth-for once in His life-he was completely and utterly alone. And He wasn't just on His own. But His Father could not even look at Him. And why? Why did He feel this loneliness? Because He loved me enough to say "I see her mistakes and I see her sins and I still want her. I want her to be with me." And He took my sin and my wrong doings away from me and placed them on His shoulders. And in the moment His holy and righteous Father could not look upon Him. The sin of millions upon millions of people could not be looked upon by a Holy and Righteous God. And in the moment that Jesus took the sin of all the world upon Him, He was alone. And He had to exist in that loneliness for a few moments afterwards. I don't know if you've ever heard this story or if you've never heard this story but it happened. The Son of God for once in His existence (which was before the beginning of time) felt pure and true loneliness. 

The truth of the matter is, loneliness is destructive. She is one of the most destructive mindsets to find yourself in company with. In fact, if you dance long enough with her she will kill you. One of the things that we need to realize is we are never alone. There is always a voice. There is always someone. And there is always the Savior of the World. In fact He desperately wants to talk to you. He doesn't want you to feel alone. He wants to come in and show you that loneliness doesn't exist in His light. Loneliness becomes this small, barely existing memory. I know this isn't your typical Gospel message, but it needs to be addressed. If you are suffering with loneliness right now, there's not a need to suffer any longer. Call on the name of Jesus and I promise you, He will come. What do you have to lose? And if loneliness has grabbed ahold of you and you don't see a way out of it other than ending your life, there are people specifically designed to love you through this. 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

1-800-273-8255

Talk to a pastor: 

1-888-937-2471 

Or leave a comment in the comments section below and let me talk to you. But please understand, you are worth more than this moment of loneliness! You are more than the lies you are believing. And I wouldn't be able to tell you these things unless I hadn't dealt with this already. YOU ARE LOVED! 

Love always, 

Me

 

 

The Illustrious P31

 

The other day I made brownies. Now, they weren’t just any brownies. They were those kinds of brownies that had chocolate chunks in them so that when you bit into one there was some melted chocolate? Oh and they were gluten free so when you ate them you didn’t feel AS bad. So there I was, measuring out all the proper ingredients and preparing these phenomenal brownies, when a thought crossed my mind. I thought, “I can add another notch to my P31 belt and surely there will be a man who wants this!” Now, honestly speaking, I was more thinking towards the satirical side of things but to be frank it did give me pause.

See, I went to Bible College and at Bible College being a “Proverbs 31 Woman” is either the highest form of existence for a woman or the highest form of humor. I happened to be in-between. But there were guys at Bible College that were only looking for the “Proverbs 31 Woman.” In fact, I had a guy tell me how perfect of a couple we would be if I was more of a P31. I honestly thought he was joking. So I responded as such. What followed was his long tirade of how women in our generation are just lacking what the Bible calls women to be. Now I know what you’re thinking; what’s my point? I’ll get there…just a second.

For those of you who don’t know what a “P31” is, allow me to explain. In the Bible, there is a passage of scripture in Proverbs. It is the 31^st chapter and it is—from beginning to end—a whole bunch of wonderful attributes that a righteous woman should strive for. In fact, it was a mother’s words to her son on the kind of woman he should be looking for. GREAT! I love that! I love the fact that a mother wanted the best for her son. And I love that the son sought out a woman like that. Verse ten of Proverbs 31 says, “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.” As far as standards go, I want to be that woman. I want to be that virtuous wife.

But how about we step back for a moment and gain some perspective. In those days, marriage was basically the end all, be all. The life expectancy wasn’t long and pro creation was a big deal. In those days, if you weren’t married—or you never got married—your worth diminished slightly. We know as children of a Holy God that our worth is not placed in our earthly titles. But because this mother either REALLY wanted grandchildren or was just looking out for the good of her son, she wrote about the virtuous wife.

I don’t know how many women today place a lot of their worth in whether they’re going to become a wife or a mother, but I know it’s one of the top goals in a woman’s life.

Here’s a wild and crazy thought. What if we just became those women for ourselves? What if we didn’t become a “Proverbs 31 Woman” for a man and for marriage but because our Savior asks it of us? What if we became righteous women for the Man who CREATED us to be those very women? I know it’s a bit of perspective shift, but hang in there with me for a hot minute. If we were only becoming these women so that we could find a good husband, then where are we putting our worth? Where are we putting our identity? But if I were to become one of these coveted “Proverbs 31 Women” that are so highly praised because my Jesus asked it of me, isn’t that a higher purpose? Isn’t there a deeper identity in that, alone? I’d like to think so. I really would. Because if we are only motivated by pleasing—quite literally—man, then we’re going to fail no matter how we groom ourselves or how much we carbon copy our identities.

The crazy thing is, God created us to be righteous women, yes, but He also created us to be weird, funny, a little goofy, kind of crazy, and maybe a little sarcastic…or a lot sarcastic. And honestly, I don’t know why the weird or funny or goofy or crazy or sarcastic women can’t also be P31’s; because that’s who our Maker created us to be.

I think…no…I KNOW, that we are all created to be Proverbs 31 women. But you know why we were created to be those women? So we could glorify our Creator and our Savior who gave everything just to be with us. He created us to be righteous women that would reflect His Spirit and His grace and—let’s be honest—His beauty.

I really don’t want this to be a slam on Christian guys or even a slam on marriage; because I still really hope that the Lord has that planned for me. I just don’t want the only reason we choose to become Proverbs 31 women to be that we want to look good for the man looking for a wife. I want us to choose it because it’s the very LEAST that our God deserves. And the really cool part of it all is this. When we do get married and we do have a beautiful baby girl, we can tell her the same thing. But the shift has to start somewhere. The snowball has to roll down the hill to get bigger.

So to all my beloved P31’s, I say this:

                        Let’s go make some brownies!

Love,

The P31 in Process.

 

 



What REALLY happened on my 21st Birthday.

Chances are you clicked on this link because of the caption. Maybe you thought, “Oh I’d love to know what REALLY went down on Abbie’s 21^st birthday.” Well if you’re expecting the typical “I got super wasted and can’t remember a thing and woke up with a hangover” story, then I apologize for disappointing you but this story is not it. You can leave now if you want, I won’t be offended. But for the few that are genuinely curious about what really happened on my 21^st birthday then by all means, pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and continue reading. I promise this won’t disappoint.

So 21 is THE birthday. It’s the birthday you become a full adult (with the exception of renting a car…ugh).  So what did I do on my 21^st birthday? I went to work. I did an 8 hour work shift which was actually a lot of fun. Then I went to dinner with my parents and enjoyed the liberty of walking into a restaurant that you had to be 21 to enter. And then I went home and had my own personal Scooby Doo marathon before falling asleep on the couch of my apartment. Honestly, it was a perfect day. But there was a moment during all of it that I was asked a question; by my mother no less. She’s notorious for getting into my soul…in a good way though. But she asked me half way through dinner, “Are you where you wanted to be when you turned 21?” I could almost immediately answer her “NO.” Her face subtly registered confusion as she said, “Why?” Now for you to understand how strongly I feel about this next statement I need to give you some back story.

I went to college in California and California was my escape. I hated living where I was and all I wanted to do was run. And for me, running away looked a lot like California. It was the safe haven for my heart. I swore I was never coming back to Washington or to Tacoma or Vashon or any part. I wouldn’t do it because then I was in a box and if I was in a box then my heart wouldn’t be able to live. And that, to me, was worse than death. I remember crying on the way home from school once I had graduated because I thought, surely there could be nothing back in Washington for me. Now the cool thing about being a Jesus person is you come to a point where you find that your life is not your own and as badly as you want to control it, you can’t. And the thing you start to realize is that the Lord has the greatest plans for you. He’s never out to give you the worst go at it. It gets difficult when we try to take it all out of His hands and do it ourselves. It always gets messy when we do that. And while the Lord made something beautiful out of California, I know now that California was just me taking my life into my own hands and not leaving it in the Lord’s hands. Coming back to Washington was always His plan. Never once was I meant to stay in California. He knew that. He was just waiting for me to catch up.

So when my mom asked me if I was where I wanted to be at the age of 21 I answered no. Because honestly? I HAD WANTED to be California. I HAD WANTED to be travelling the world. I HAD WANTED to be still running. But if I were to still be in California, I would still be running. I would still be leaving every place where I truly belonged. I would be outside the will of the Father. And the crazy thing is, about a year ago, I had prayed the very frightening prayer of “Lord, please, before anything else in this world I want to be in the MIDDLE of your will for my life.” I believe the saying goes a little something like, “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.” In this sense it’s not necessarily “be careful.” I could almost say “Be thankful with what you wish for because you just might get it.” Bringing me back to Washington could not have been a better plan. My life has changed since the moment I crossed that state line coming home in May. And it’s changed for the BETTER.

I suppose if there was one thing I could tell my younger self, I would set her down and give her a cup of coffee (or tea…but I think she was a coffee drinker at the time) and tell her the importance of placing her entire life in the hands of the One who created it. I know she wouldn’t get it and she’d just be irritated at me for saying it. But I suppose the most important thing is to look at where I was and the condition of my heart and to be unutterably grateful for the Lord changing it as quickly as He did.

I can only look at my life right now and be astounded at what has become of it. I can only be thankful for who the Lord has created me to be and for providing the right people in my life to show me that path. And He even showed me that path Himself. My expression of my heart through my 21^st year is amazement, because honestly, none of this should have happened. I was too stubborn to want any of this to happen. The cry of my heart was “Give me California or give me death!” Now the cry of my heart is “Lord. I want to be in the center of your will.” And I think that’s where I am right now. So the answer was no. I am not where I HAD WANTED to be. But I can tell you with the sincerest of hearts, this is where I WANT to be at 21. The Lord brought me home. And there’s no place I’d rather be.

 

Sincerely,
Me.

The Other Side of Loneliness

*tapping on the mic*

Hello. Excuse me for just one second. I apologize for interrupting what it was you may or may not have already been doing. But I wanna share something; something that I wonder how many people struggle with. And I don't wonder in the sadistic sense. I'm not sitting here wondering "I wonder how many people are suffering at the hands of it. MWAHAHAHAHA!" I promise that's not where I'm going with this.

I haven't been super specific yet have I? Again, my sincerest apologies. I'm talking about the "L" word. I'm talking about loneliness. Now understand me please when I say, I fear many people don't recognize the severity of loneliness. In the ranking of issues that currently plagues society, I would put it under depression if it's not already the runner up.

People like to pass loneliness off as someone's fault. For example, people can look at someone and see that they're lonely and instead of reaching out they excuse it for someone being anti social or not stepping out and being more outgoing. I don't say this without prior knowledge because believe me, I was convinced that loneliness was psychological and that you really could fix it by just being more outgoing and more social. I believed that until it was me.

You see, loneliness was always something I thought I could talk myself out of. People would tell me I was being dramatic. People would tell me that I needed to be more of a people person. "Abbie, it's all in your head." Yeah. Well that's what I thought.

See when I graduated high school I had two good friends. That was it. I was ready to leave and face the world that was sure to have some sort of promise for me. It's funny looking back on it all now, how little I was prepared for the real world. But I went to college thinking that everything was gonna be fine! After all, college is where you find your best friends. College is where you find your bridesmaids! And while I did find some of the dearest friends I'll ever find (and I did find my bridesmaids) I also knew that there would be a day when I'd have to walk away from them, knowing that the next years would be filled with texts and late night phone calls. And I think that's when it started. The dread crept in and the worry crept in so that by the time I did have to walk away from them, my heart was done for. I was so hurt. I was so scared.

I. Was. So. Lonely.

And for the next three months, that's how I felt; alone, isolated, and lonely. And it wasn't like I was living in it all the time because I still had my family. I still had two good friends. But there would be times when this overwhelming sensation of loneliness would overtake my heart and drop me like a heart attack. It's funny how in these moments the sobs and the heartaches that you want so BADLY to vocalize get stuck somewhere in translation. I can remember times when it physically hurt to hold in all the pain.

But then, something incredible happened. I mean something radical. Something so life altering that nothing was the same after that point. The Lord God Almighty, the one who breathed the stars into existence, the very same one who stole my heart so many years ago, stepped in and pulled me from my loneliness. And He used one of my very good friends to do so.

I can remember the day that Nick Sandy asked my to be part of a worship team that he lead on Thursday nights. It felt like I had a spot to belong in. It felt like there was an "Abbie" shaped cut out that this friend had found. I fit perfectly.

Months continued on and I met some of the most incredible people.

There's this insanely incredible woman I've met and her name is Lauren. Yeah, we're roomies now!...or will be in the next couple weeks. She has opened up a whole new piece of my spirit! Her joy and her love for someone she hadn't even known for very long absolutely blew me to pieces!

Of course there's the illustrious Josie! This woman's heart and love for Jesus Christ puts me in my place. She shows me what it's like to follow after Jesus in a real and passionate way. She's absolutely one of the greatest gifts to this world! Her light shines bright in the darkest of times.

And there's Alyx, who honestly, inspires me. Who she is and who she's allowed the Lord to shape her into, is one of the most beautiful and incredible things I've ever seen in my life. It makes me regret having not gotten to know her better. She loves with an intense love and her heart shows nothing but beauty!

I made a new friend whose name is Thomas! Not kidding. He's one of the nicest, sweetest, most kind (and quite hilarious) guys you could ever meet. The fact that from the very get go, he was comfortable enough with me to make me feel like part of the family was mind boggling to me. He has the true heart of a servant.

Nick Sandy is a one of a kind guy! He has such a desire for more of Jesus and it shines through him everywhere he goes! He's absolutely hilarious and brought me into his team without even blinking. He made it feel like that's where I belonged all along; no hesitations.

It's funny because to be completely honest, I don't feel the loneliness anymore. It almost feels like it didn't ever have a spot in my heart. And I still have some incredible friends who I never see (and miss terribly) and I know that I'll always have them. But I want to say that the Lord brings the right people into your life at the right times.

And sometimes we miss it. Sometimes we want to sit in our own little hide-a-holes because that's where we feel safe. That's where we think we won't hurt ourselves.

Loneliness is a legitimate issue. It destroys the hearts of many. And it almost destroyed mine. But I want you to know, that if you are struggling really bad with loneliness, I want you to know two things. 1) You are not alone. And I know that sounds more cliched than anything else in this world because I was told that all the time. But please understand, there's always a chance to make a 180 degree turn and I am living and LOVING proof of it. 2) I want you to be able to look for people who are going to change your world. This isn't me saying, "BE MORE OUTGOING!!" This is me saying, "Be on the lookout!" Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were never meant to live this life alone. We were never supposed to walk along the path and only see one set of steps.

I love you all! You are all marvelous and meant to be more than who the world wants you to be. And know that there is always someone there to talk to! And the most important One is Jesus Christ.

Love,
Me  

Understanding Women

What a daunting task. I am a woman and I even find it very difficult to understand them. In fact, it’s such a paradox that most of the time I don’t even understand myself. I have a dear friend who would look at me and say, “Why are you the way you are?” And while most of the time his question is all in jest, it is a valid assessment. Why are we the way we are? Is it a general mishap in our genetic makeup? Is it something we’ve been programed to do? While many people struggle with the idea of the female mind I would like to stand as a voice. Not necessarily a voice of defense but also not a prosecuting voice. 

I would like to suggest a simple theory. In order to understand this theory you have to imagine that you’re inside the mind of said woman. I know it’s very difficult but hang in there with me for just one second. Now imagine all the visual stimulation that society is fed with. It all seems quite harmless, does it not? But what is that in the corner of her mind? What is that shivering, scared, crying individual in the corner of her mind? It is called an “insecurity.” And yes, I am now personifying the mindset. Whether or not women will actually admit it (and that’s one of the things that men can’t stand; us not admitting things to them or ourselves even) we all have insecurities. Even the most charismatic and charming woman in the entire world (if she exists) has the deepest insecurities. And while this woman views the outside the world, that shivering and crying insecurity gains strength. See, women don’t have an issue with something until there’s a simple voice in their head that says, “You could be like that” “You should be able to do that.” In fact, sometimes it disguises itself as an encouragement; as a challenge to defeat. 

Now I believe in the supernatural. I believe that there is a loving God but that there is also a fallen angel who is set on destroying every life he possibly can. His name is satan. And while I would chalk the little voice up to him, I know that there could be readers who wouldn’t. But believe me when I say, it is. In addressing the woman who is saved, she knows the truth. And she truly desires to hold on to the truth that the Lord has placed in her heart. She desperately wants to hold onto the truth that she IS good enough that she doesn’t HAVE to be a certain way or be able to do a certain thing. Believe me, being a follower of Jesus Christ is wonderful, but it also comes with so many attacks from the devil. If you’ve never heard the devil’s snickering or his voice whispering in your ear, then I congratulate you. You’ve done better than I have. But what begins to happen is the insecurity that was so small is now taking over not only her mind, but her heart and her actions as well. That woman has now allowed her body to be driven by this insecurity. It is now the driving force; the engine, if you will. This results in our indecision. This results in our crazy outbursts. This results in fits of emotion. This results in the destruction of our very souls. Buying into that insecurity destroys the powerful woman that has been overtaken by something that once started so small. Now in addressing the woman who has not placed her heart in the hands of Jesus Christ, I cannot IMAGINE what she must be facing; how vividly she is hearing the voice of the devil who would desire to tear her down and to bring her to a place where she is destroying herself. I cannot fathom the fear that plagues her very existence as she attempts to find fulfillment and esteem in the tools of the devil himself. 

Please, understand me. I am not defending these actions by any means. I am not saying, “Cater to the women of today’s society because we’re breaking ourselves down.” Instead I would like to suggest something. I would like to suggest a solution to this problem. First of all, I would have to be 100% honest with you. Jesus Christ is the answer to every insecurity. He is like the giant eraser that can erase even the smallest of insecurities so it doesn’t grow into something that takes over. But only the Holy Spirit can bring you to a place where your heart accepts that fact and receives that love. My writing can only be used as a tool for Him to use. 

But to the men who deal with us, I would first like to say, I’m incredibly sorry. I am truly sorry for the “yes” that suddenly turned into a “no.” I am incredibly sorry for the time she broke down crying because she was convinced you hated her. I am incredibly sorry for every moment to come when she questions everything she knows in her heart of hearts to be true. But I would also say, thank you. Whether you know it or not, you have been used in the building up of women everywhere and will continue to be used. But you also have a great responsibility with that power. It is easily used for good but can be manipulated into something that can also destroy. It’s not your fault we put so much stalk in your opinion. Understand that when we do, it means we see something in you that we trust. It means that we feel safe enough to value what you think of us. And I know that some of you may or may not be ready for that kind of responsibility but know that most of you have been given it already. Just be gracious and kind. 

I know that this won’t solve the problem of understanding women. And I know that as far as women go, we may never understand them fully. Like I said before, I don’t even understand them. But I thought I would send my opinion out there for consideration. Maybe you’re reading this and something clicks. Maybe you’re a woman who is struggling with insecurity in one form or another. Maybe you’re a man who is struggling with understanding the mindset. Or maybe you don’t care at all and I just wasted your time. But hey, it was your decision to keep reading. Keep your head up my charming readers. It’s not as bad as you think.

Love,

Me

The Cavalry is Coming with those Knights in Shining Armor

A wise man once said "It's dangerous to put those knights up on white horses. They're likely to slip off." Now, being a woman, I can personally say there have been men that I have put up on white horses. The only man who hasn't fallen off is my daddy (shameless shout out because I'm a daddy's girl). But in all honesty, girls are NOTORIOUS for doing this. I genuinely feel bad for those poor men who don't even know how to RIDE the non existent horse that they're supposed to be on. But needless to say, it's what we do. Well as mentioned before, it's extremely dangerous putting those knights up on horses. But I learned something recently that truly blew my mind. The simple fact is, God loves to rescue us. We tend to get ourselves into some sticky situations. We tend to wander or we tend to get swept away by the wrong things. And God Almighty comes to save us Himself. Ezekiel 34:11-12 says, "...and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered." Now imagine all the ways you've ever thought about being rescued. It doesn't matter if you're a male or a female. Because, yes men, sometimes you need as much saving as the women do. Think about the scenes in the movies where the armies come rushing in to liberate the captives. Think about Normandy and how the brave men stormed that beach to liberate captives. Now imagine the God of the universe storming the beaches of your battle; coming to save you, coming to set you (the captive) free. God came to set the captives free plain and simple. That was His plan from the beginning. He thought, "Just wait until you guys see the way I'm going to save you." Now, think with me for a second. How excited was the damsel in distress when the brave knight came and found her? How excited were the nations when we helped liberate them from the hold of the enemy? How happy are we, daily, when we realize that God has won the battle for our hearts. Do we even realize what God has done for us? Do we realize what the cost was? Now I'm not preaching to you the message of "Look what you did to Jesus Christ!" If you don't know that, then learn about it. Our sin did a terrible thing to the most perfect Man alive; our true knight in shining armor. But my point is, the Father--and the SON for that matter--couldn't WAIT to set us free. That was the glorious plan from the beginning. Isaiah 53:10 says, "Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief." It pleased Him to know that we were the end result. Are we living like we were worth it? Are we living in the victory that has been won? I challenge and encourage you to walk in that daily. So instead of looking for a knight in shining armor (women) and expecting the cavalry to come (men) take a moment in your trials and tribulations and even your battles to realize that the One who already WON was pleased to come and get you and He will be pleased to do it time and time again.


Love,
Me

 

How I Don't Desire My Husband Anymore

First off, let me say, I'm not married. I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never been on a date. BUT, believe me when I say, I am a romantic. As much as I attempt to downplay it these days, it just keeps popping up. I even attempted to hold to the code that "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side." Well while we want to applaud Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss for that tid bit of truth, somewhere deep inside of us we understand that sentiment is, in fact, a tool that drives us as human beings. Without it, we would be lifeless machines. Anyways, all that to say, I am a romantic and for the past six or seven years of my life, I've been praying for, dreaming about, and hoping for the man that will one day call me his. But check this out. The things we think of, even the good things, can become stumbling blocks between us and the Lord if we dwell on them too much. And I write to you all now saying that my future husband has occupied most of my thoughts for quite a long time. So you can imagine my hesitation when I came to the realization that I was making an idol out of a promise. I had to release him--whoever he was--to the Lord. Surely I could share my heart couldn't I? And besides, wasn't it good that I thought about him? It kept me waiting for him! What I didn't realize was that I was holding onto something I didn't have just so I could keep it! Completely illogical, right? The Lord asked me to give him up I said, "I can't Lord, You won't give him back." Apparently my view of God was some sadistic master who took things away from you until you claimed loyalty to Him. I couldn't let go of the one thing I knew I was promised (that's another story). But after many tears and arguments, I relinquished control of the love of my life to the One who was supposed to be the love of my life from the very beginning. It was hard to get used to the idea that my thoughts weren't supposed to drift to my future husband but ultimately it became easier. But it took me almost being in a relationship to realize something very important. The desire for a relationship with a man was less important than my desire for a relationship with my heavenly husband; the man who truly loved me beyond compare. Now, I am a lot closer to the Lord than I used to be but I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I wanted my whole heart to be the Lord's before I handed it over to the man of my dreams. So now I'm left with only one option and that is to hand over my heart to its Creator. He's the only One who knows how to properly care for it. And when the time comes, He can hand it over to the man He has appointed to be its caretaker. No, I haven't stopped praying for my future husband. No I haven't lost that sense of anticipation and excitement. But at this point in my life, I desire my Savior more than I desire a relationship. And I wanna walk so close to my Lord that when He brings that man into my life, it will be like nothing ever changed. And honestly, I can't WAIT!

Love,
Me